Raeann Blake (Author)

Ramblings from Raeann

So….that light at the end of the tunnel

Posted by Raeann Blake (Author) on March 5, 2013

2013-02-14 16.29.44

Until this year, I had not been in the hospital since 1990. Now, two hospital stays in one month. A myriad of life-style changes. Trying to learn to handle that what your life was is not what your life is now. The whole emotional side of this has been harder for me to cope with than the physical side…well if you don’t count the whole not able to get any air part, I mean. The anxiety level and panic attacks have been near record highs even with the medication I didn’t want to take to keep that under control.

I’ve learned there are triggers for the anxiety rise. I can’t tell you why they’re triggers. And I can’t tell you why they are a trigger one minute and the exact same situation, circumstance, or thought will not be a trigger the next. There’s no rhyme or reason to them. But, I can tell you this much. If you tell a child long enough that he’s stupid, he’s eventually going to believe you.

If you, as a physician (the PCP), continually present a dismal picture to a patient then exactly what reason do they have to even try? Especially when what you are saying is not in conjunction when the specialist who is handling the main illness. So I sit in your office and listen to you tell me that they are giving me every possible medication already and that I’m maxed out there so the only bright spot in my future is to look forward to turning up the liter flow on my oxygen until I max that out, too. Am I supposed to feel so empowered by your “truthfulness” that I should run right out and buy a power chair since I’m obviously going to be too feeble to come back to your office without it for more uplifting messages? It irritates me to no end that even knowing that you have no clue who I am or what I am capable of accomplishing by spending 10 minutes per visit with me on two visits I still let you ramp up my anxiety to the point that I couldn’t even sit down for hours and it’s still not under control. Buddy, I walked into your office under my own power. I walked out of your office under my own power. I can walk from the front of WalMart’s to the back, I’ve been on the Harley, and I will be again. So excuse me while I go see my specialist instead of you then search for yet another new PCP that can at least say “way to go” or “you’re doing good today” or any friggin’ kind of encouragement at all.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to work on getting the emotional rollercoaster leveled out some so that I can get back to work on the books and maybe things can get back to whatever the new normal is around here.

I hope you are all having a good week. Happy Reading!


8 Responses to “So….that light at the end of the tunnel”

  1. You are a champion and don’t forget it. Don’t listen to that idiot doctor and don’t go back there. Find a new PCP that is encouraging and willing to work with your pulmonologist to get you healthy again. Your pulmonologist brought you back from a place where you should have never been. I know you and you are strong enough within yourself to tell that doctor to stick it and show that PCP what you are really made of. All our love from your Louisiana family and Texas(can’t leave Michelle out). God’s healing hands will lift you up.

  2. Ann Santos said

    Please get well soon. Miss reading your stories. You are a talented woman so keep on plugging.

  3. Deanna Thomas said

    Wow, I am sorry to hear that you are having health problems. Pray is coming your way. Find your source of calm. God doesn’t give us more than we can bear. Look for the bright side. Keep writing I love your books.

  4. Kathleen Bell said

    Thanks for letting us know how you are doing. Sorry you are going through life changing changes. Will keep you in my prayers.

  5. Sarah Grant said

    I agree with Lottie! DEFINITELY find a new PCP! I have my own health issues and I went through at least 5 doctors until I found one that was good for ME. I’m sure they all were “good doctors” and capable of “treating” me, but they were not good for myself. Keep looking. I also would like to recommend a book to you: “Crazy Sexy Diet” by Kris Carr. It’s not a diet book, but more of an inspirational story about the author who was diagnosed with a rare kind of stage four cancer with no available treatment and “very little time left”. She is alive and well. Her cancer is still be there in some form, but she is WELL and doing WELL and has amazed and astounded doctors. She is living her life and is riding those Harleys and running around Walmart, when there wasn’t any hope years ago. I don’t know if you are familiar with her, but she’s quite famous now. You can check out her web site at http://www.kriscarr.com. Her book describes her journey toward wellness. It is amazing and inspiring. It inspired me recently to embark on my own journey to wellness and I am feeling extremely positive about it. Anyways, you hang tough there girl! We love you and support you and I’m sure we’re not the only ones. Love from Elko, NV! 🙂 Well actually, I live down the road a ways now in Winnemucca, but Lamoille Canyon is still my favorite place on earth.

    • Sarah, thanks so much. I will definitely check her out. I know that mental attitude is a huge part of any recovery and mine needs all the help it can get right now.

      I had to grin when I saw Winnemucca. I actually mention Winnemucca in passing in Michael’s story (Book Three) when one of his team members mention he’s going to “run over” there to visit his sister before the team goes out on a job.

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