So….that light at the end of the tunnel
Posted by Raeann Blake (Author) on March 5, 2013
Until this year, I had not been in the hospital since 1990. Now, two hospital stays in one month. A myriad of life-style changes. Trying to learn to handle that what your life was is not what your life is now. The whole emotional side of this has been harder for me to cope with than the physical side…well if you don’t count the whole not able to get any air part, I mean. The anxiety level and panic attacks have been near record highs even with the medication I didn’t want to take to keep that under control.
I’ve learned there are triggers for the anxiety rise. I can’t tell you why they’re triggers. And I can’t tell you why they are a trigger one minute and the exact same situation, circumstance, or thought will not be a trigger the next. There’s no rhyme or reason to them. But, I can tell you this much. If you tell a child long enough that he’s stupid, he’s eventually going to believe you.
If you, as a physician (the PCP), continually present a dismal picture to a patient then exactly what reason do they have to even try? Especially when what you are saying is not in conjunction when the specialist who is handling the main illness. So I sit in your office and listen to you tell me that they are giving me every possible medication already and that I’m maxed out there so the only bright spot in my future is to look forward to turning up the liter flow on my oxygen until I max that out, too. Am I supposed to feel so empowered by your “truthfulness” that I should run right out and buy a power chair since I’m obviously going to be too feeble to come back to your office without it for more uplifting messages? It irritates me to no end that even knowing that you have no clue who I am or what I am capable of accomplishing by spending 10 minutes per visit with me on two visits I still let you ramp up my anxiety to the point that I couldn’t even sit down for hours and it’s still not under control. Buddy, I walked into your office under my own power. I walked out of your office under my own power. I can walk from the front of WalMart’s to the back, I’ve been on the Harley, and I will be again. So excuse me while I go see my specialist instead of you then search for yet another new PCP that can at least say “way to go” or “you’re doing good today” or any friggin’ kind of encouragement at all.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to work on getting the emotional rollercoaster leveled out some so that I can get back to work on the books and maybe things can get back to whatever the new normal is around here.
I hope you are all having a good week. Happy Reading!